To the Makers of Erasers,
Mate, how’s it going?
Nice one, yeah.
Alrights then, so long as yous and the wife are doing good still I’ll get on with it.
Yeah sure, I always liked her a lot, sorry to hear that. Anyhows…
Look I was reading some interim reports yesterday and I was utterly appalled. Apparently the ‘future trend’ for many ‘services’ is that they will be provided communally at no charge. Some people dream about doing this with public transit*. Others with healthcare**. Me, right now (or presently, perhaps at the end of this sentence), I’m not talking about that nonsense, not in the slightest; I’m talking about wireless access to the Internet. Man I hate that stuff. All they ever do is talk about it in the library when I go in to try and warm up: “sir, this seat is for computer users”, “sir, would you like to use the computer”, “sir, please don’t do that with the mouse”. What bloody mouse? I paid taxes when I could, and my case officer says I was once a good man. Who are these people, these jobsworths? I Don’t like Internets and I don’t like libraries
Sometimes I stand outside the doctors and hope that people drop their prescriptions. I have found this to be the best way of alleviating the strain of consciousness - for months on end after particularly fortuitous days in the pharma-lotto. Occasionally though prescriptions is for bad stuff like the medicine mother used to de-louse us back when I’d been living in a Hayloft with Uncle John. Plus there is that worming pill which The Historian constantly spikes my drinks with. It makes the rash worse and sometimes I see too much redness. He says it hurts him to hurt me, but as far as I can tell he can dissipate the pain very easily by rhythmically massaging his groin as I writhe in agony. I don’t like bricks because they remind me of the redness and the time father set me up in front of a fake firing squad after I’d been ‘shirking’ in the fields. If your house is made of bricks I should prefer not to visit it immediately. Hallway is the second most popular entrance room, did you know that?
Anyways, Why are erasers not high on the list of services that should be provided communally? Being in the eraser trade, you should have a damn good idea of why. If on the other hand, this letter has been unfortunate enough to find itself in the hands of an ineffective braggard of an eraser expert, let me blow your mind: Those things in the middle of the road which create shininess, they’re made out of rubber, but they aren’t erasers. I know all about rubber, but it can be quite confusing to laymen. The three main types are rubbers (what mother would call prophylactics), general rubbers, and rubbers (like erasers). I know we both know this, but I want you to know we both know this. Why not get some communal consent that all future middle of the road things will be made out of eraser-rubber type rubber. The current version is a mediocre rubber at best, and one I have never found a use for.
When I get bad prescriptions there is a road outside the doctors and there is a road that leads to the chemists and there is loads of road between these two roads, loads and many of road, I don’t know how much but it’s a lot. More than ten or twelve roads, and they could be filled with erasers for making prescriptions more fun. Look, I’m not hurting anyone, but you are, you are right now. I hurt, the rash hurts, and I think it might be getting worse. If it spreads to my legs the doctor says I should start wearing trousers, but I don’t like them, there are bad memories inside me. What is public heath anyway, who cares about that when ERASERS are so hard to come by. I know other people sometimes use pencils to draw things or even to jot down infrequent notes, and they would all like ROADS to be helpful to them. Since the conviction I can’t drive and I have to talk to a man every week, everyone should be able to enjoy ROADS but I can’t. Who stops me from leaving the house when it’s windy? No one really, but I just don’t like the wind at a certain level: it’s a bit strange and I don’t know where it comes from. I asked about erasers in the newsagents and they didn’t have any. I think they are all Internets in there now, its not like it was back when I had a job and I got papers and read them. I wish they were all clear prescriptions now.
The Tavistock Organisation (a Subdivision of the Tavistock Society)
* So anyways, We’re on this bus and some guy sits two seats in front of us and loudly asks “what’s that smell?” He was obviously referring to the refuse sack of daffodils we had just stolen from the local park, and their rather distinctive pollen. Guy could have been a grass mate, or anything. I legged it off the bus and The Porter wasn’t far behind. We rested up at the bus shelter, but someone else came up and was like “what’s that smell?” could have been the cops coming for us already but then I looked down and The Porter was covered in dog shit man, all covered in it, at least to half way up his thighs. What the hell man, what the hell? I just left him on the ground, told him we’d better split up so rozzer could only get one of us. I just ran and ran.
** The other thing me and The Porter been doing is stealing the lead linings from hospital doors. Lead is all squishy and fun, and after we get to be all happy faced by manipulating it, we give it to the president who exchanges it for Haribo. I like Tang-Fastic, but he likes Sour Mix. The President is neutral.