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Dear Industry,

The Society of Tavistock (the Tavistock Society (the Tavistocks)) is officially giving you notice of its intent to inform you on several issues as follows:

  • Blade Runner is an excellent film (Harrison ford is/was extremely charming).
  • Portcullises can be used to prevent entry into selected strategic portals.
  • Port Talbot is in Wales.
  • Chickens 3, ham too.
  • Your service stinks bad, and we refer to bad as in “your service is bad, like a rotten egg, which is in fact a bad egg”.

Please allow us now to elucidate, expatiate and further explain one of the above facts.

1 I got on your train

1.1 It was late
1.12 I was sickened by the resultant lateness
1.2 If this happens again I will have to re-consider my transitory decision making process.
1.21 Other forms of transit include: car, bicycle, boat, aeroplane, hovercraft.
1.211 I have been on a boat, have you?
1.22 I am rapidly tiring of your evasions.
1.3 The train was found, by no person less than myself (and the society as a whole), to be full of the dirty, unwashed masses I am accustomed to seeing in shopping centres, multiplexes and hospital out-patients.
1.31 Next time I board a train I will wear a smock.

2 On-train services were found to be appalling.

2.1 The gentle swaying motion of the carriage prevented effective urination in your ‘cubicle’, no matter which angle I deemed to approach the bowl from- and in this survey of angles I do not simply refer to one plane, namely bearing vis-à-vis the bowl, but also that of elevation, expressed as the complex approach vector of the prospective jet.
2.11 Failure to urinate is discomforting.
2.12 Discomfort is to be avoided.
2.121 Despite my repeated calls to stop the engine, the train both mercilessly, unforgivingly and inexorably continued.
2.122 In such situations I find myself uncontrollably thinking about taps and waterfalls, grapefruits etc. This increases discomfort.
2.13 Upon leaving the train I was unable to conceptualise myself as anything other than a pain filled bladder on rusted wheels.
2.2 Tickets are formally and legally require to attain many services.
2.21 Tickets are required to validate train transit
2.212 Your company, dare I remind you, is a train company.
2.213 ergo
2.214 I needed a ticket to board your train.
2.22 The mallard was my favourite model in bygone days.
2.221 The mallard is also a breed of duck.
2.23 I did not purchase a ticket for your train.
2.231 Failure to collect full revenues is a failure of a corporation.
2.232 You failed to collect that revenue
2.233 You are a failing corporation.
2.24 The appropriate preventative measure in this situation is to employ a ticket collector.
2.241 You do enjoy employ ticket collectors.
2.2411 No such individual checked my ticket
2.2412 I got away with it.
2.242 Your ticket collectors are all obviously all too fat, lazy, drunken, old, incontinent (weak-willed), drunk, female, oily, incapacitated or ambidextrous: you are doubtless in a position to be more informed of the problem than I am- cross out as applicable above. Then you see the root of the problem.
2.243 Until changes happen, you service remains second rate.

3 Perhaps if more people paid their fares, your service would improve.

3.1 Indeed
3.11 and in action.

Love and Singapore chow-mien for all (of us and ours),

The Tavistock Society (Formerly known as The Havisock Society)