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Our spiritual leader.

Professor Wainwright's AphorismsEdit

  1. When my commentary stinks of pathos why should I care? It's all over anyway.
  2. German composition summer courses are like concentration camps. The only difference is that composers beg to be admitted.
  3. In the greater scheme of things it doesn’t matter if you lose a donkey. There is always another poor soul ready to take its place for less than it costs to feed the other animal. Thankfully it’s hardly ever the donkey that dies.
  4. Postcolonialism is nothing but karaoke for the neo-left. You know, Independent readers and lib dems. The kind born with the desire to complain but not the wit to express it. I once heard it described as Bourgeois psyche defence through displacement, but to consider it anything more than delusional projection would be nothing more than straight faced denial. ( I can speak the language of these little Jungians, even if it bores me as much as they do)
  5. The sword and the ploughshare are equally useless in the end. No matter how much or many you cut down, nature and the masses always creep back to turn purity into mediocrity.
  6. In the marketplace, at least the bankers' fantasies of importance are negatively rewarded, but no such forces exist where the academic roams. A cull will not only be necessary and arbitrary (the best kind), but will bring grief to the culler. After all, there is no redemption to be got out of guilt, fear and incompetence. Only a bloody mess, shards of the broken mirror and enough hot air to reduce this country's heating bills to zero.
  7. I can evaluate a person more accurately in five minutes watching them chop down a tree than these 'universities' can do in three years of testing and observation
  8. These universities are dead places to me now, not even the ghosts of the good days remain.
    1. I see only a zombified, moribund collective of narcissistic charlatans, desperately trying to inflate their real importance to the level it is in their fantasies of relevance. Look at their stupid little toys: their journals and web-conferences, their societies and collectives, the endless walls of books under whose shadows they quake even as they preen themselves in their faux-leather armchairs.
    2. To have to live in such shame is not even a fraction of the just reward I would wish them reap. The terror of their illusions smashes into their fear of being unmasked, equal measures of misery and desperation. To them these pathetic props act a perverse mirror: looking into it they see nothing more than a projection of their own vanities, follies and pretensions.
  9. They told me moving to the rainforest was a sign of psychological withdrawal. So what? I never saw them again.
  10. Indeed, it's all about finding the most inappropriate extenuating circumstance, and then simply selling it, be it to the board of studies or the public. It's a stinking mess, but I expected it; it's just like driving by an industrial pigfarm. You can smell it before you reach it, it gets in your clothes whilst passing it, and you are reminded of its stench long afterwards. I don't regret the stench, I regret the incompetence of the butcher.
    1. Let's butcher the butchers, for they have failed.
  11. Whenever an old colleague asks me to come back I merely ask: "To what?"
  12. The mediocre are bailed out of each one of their failures: from their bad grades to their bad investments to their false consciousness, the collective is willing to debase every standard and to forgive every stupidity.
    1. I live in the age of extenuating circumstances - everything is already lost, I am always too late. That which is called humanity is abhorrent to me.
  13. Academia today is ruled by sheep, and all they produce are little round balls of shit.
  14. I should rather be a cowherd than return to the academy: at least I would be the one to butcher the fatted calves, rather than to see them slaughter what I know to be good; either way, one's day is spent avoiding stepping upon shit.
  15. Since all of unwashed society now has to attend a form of university or college -according to the government's doctrine, they may as well start 'delousing'.
  16. In a society where money cannot only buy a degree for the middle classes, it now also buys the smug realisation that this worthless piece of paper will be rubber stamped by others who have done the same before them. This is what I call the devaluation of currency.
  17. Essay writing these days consists of a few clicks with a mouse. I call for appropriate traps to root out this vermin.
  18. From all the savages I encountered on my research missions in the rainforest I have learnt nothing.
  19. In the greater scheme of things it doesn’t matter if you lose a donkey. There is always another poor soul ready to take its place for less than it costs to feed the other animal. Thankfully it’s hardly ever the donkey that dies.
  20. Socialism is like a colostomy bag: it’s usually full of feces, it leaks at every inopportune moment, and it leaves a putrid stench when finally being replaced.
  21. In the rainforest, a blunt knife is as useful as the “field” of “gender studies”: it’s only lesbians that are going to get some pleasure from it.
  22. Western civilisation, as we know it, has sunk so low – i.e. through socialism – that the absolute minimum temperature of the cosmos has decided to drop to keep equal pace.
  23. Global warming is the new socialism. Pinkos tried to convince decent men to join them. Didn’t happen. This time around they are trying to blame us for heating up the place. What is the next ludicrous story going to be? That capitalism is bad?!
  24. The rainforest is like society: to keep the men’s minds occupied and their aim steady, one needs to introduce regular target practice. And there is never a lack of things to shoot.
  25. In the rainforest you have to know everything about amputations. So to all those who self-harm: don’t be such a bunch of sissies and saw through that bone!
  26. The only good savage is the one that carries out your instructions at gunpoint.
  27. [On Noam Chomsky] Someone should swing a sturdy rope over a branch of one of his trees and hang the bastard [smirks].
  28. In the rainforest there is never a lack of either of two things: gangrene and the constant nagging of the savages carrying you and your equipment. The solution to these problems, however, is luckily the same: amputation of the infected limb.
  29. In this age of “political correctness”, it is in my opinion neither political nor correct to rename a “savage” or a “communist”. They will always belong to the universal category of scum, although their individual stench may depend on how long they have sojourned “in the wilderness”.
  30. In the civilized world a life is expendable at best. In the rainforest a life is worthless.
  31. In Greek Antiquity the creation of great art was always an art through the backdoor: boys will be boys.
  32. All great things come in three: two in the heart, one in the head.
  33. My expenses always included a couple of hookers and a pair of tweezers to trim the balls.
  34. They paid me $10,000 and I destroyed everything they held to be true and just, yet I still dream of their ruin.
  35. I delight in the youthful faces at my lectures… it is like a good pillaging.
  36. Debating in places with gun-control laws is an insufferable bore.
  37. I’m often accused of using the same metaphors; but shaven balls are dear to me.
  38. To ensure I have their attention the usher locks the doors, and I am careful to show that I am armed.
  39. I never debate with Marxists, but I, or my bodyguards, are to note their name and appearance.
  40. [on criticism] It is easier for me to deal with them than for the cleaners.
  41. I like the thing about the aging "paint stripper whisky"... I insist on at least one.
  42. Now they even make their cheese in bricks... the shape of ambition for the food of a coward.
  43. [on ghurkhas] Dumb as a hat, but as useful as one.
  44. I have never publicly condoned violence against the Havisocks except in my trial, and I served my time for that.
  45. If nothing is afoot, my only question is: "why?"
  46. [on criticism] Why reflect? I am a good shot.
  47. [on ecologists] These ecologists could learn a lot from primitive agriculture. Once you’ve burnt your five acres down the best things you can do in it is fucking and killing. Caring for the trees is for the dickless.
  48. [...] is like a jigsaw puzzle. Once the final piece is in place, the only option is to smash it and start anew.
  49. 48 is a hateful number, and repression or censorship of it's contents is always prudent.
  50. To know the Havisocks’ strength is to know one’s capacity for distributing alcohol to the savages – a thing of beauty and a joy to shoot.
  51. Communicating with the natives was hard. I had to revert to sign language. I’d get about fifty of them in the cage, feed them ethanol to do the trick and then decimate them with the rifle. When I opened the cage they’d learned far more about my love of the hunt than they’d want to know. It would often take a few delicious hours to stalk them down
  52. [on Marx] Marx’s Capital served me well in the rainforest. It made for excellent toilet roll.
  53. [on Marx] I’ll bet his balls were as hirstute as his beard.
  54. From Marxism to wine appreciation… the Havisocks failure on many fronts
  55. The only claret I ever had a taste for was what I could beat from a Frenchman’s nose
  56. There are no Havisocks in the jungle
  57. [on French wine] Rather than paying the price, we should take it from them – the German solution.
  58. [on the Germans] They were halfway right and halfway bright, and that just wasn’t good enough.
  59. [on French philosophy] What do they think they have achieved? They are still frogs.
  60. The second most beautiful thing in the rainforest is a felled mahogany tree. The most beautiful is the pittance I pay to acquire it.
  61. Things of use in the jungle? Monkeys for shooting, parrots for shooting, […] you can just about eat, but the rest, just slash and burn.
  62. Bulldozing the rainforest is like anal sex, unnatural, but pleasurable for the driver.
  63. I once shaved my balls clean in college to prank the Havisocks. I feel my work in the rainforest is the logical end of the path that started me on.
  64. Purging gets easier with every round.
  65. I'm not a bitter man, I merely investigate things deeply.
  66. Forget defense mechanisms, I will be their undoing.
  67. Travel is hard, travel is very hard.
  68. I created a Society but all I ended up with is a set of little Princes with proper names.
  69. To the victors the spoils, to The Havisocks the ignomy. What is left for The Tavistocks?
  70. No, what they said; what they smugly said. It is always an arms race. But never higher like the good old days, never to an upper plane: no, no, no, it is to the bottom, to the abyss. Who can get there first? I'm not sure I want to know any more.
  71. There is no reason at all to panic about the environment, or the rainforest. If positive action is taken by people like you, the timber will be delivered in time and to the right destination.
  72. Entropy is poetic, but I don't have time for such niceties. I am nature's catalyst in these matters.
  73. For all the talk about global warming, I only care for heat, if it comes out of the nozzle of a flamethrower.
  74. I have seen a pair of bloodstained undergarments in an alley, and I have caused a pair of blood stained undergarments in an alleyway, but I have never left a pair of bloodstained undergarments in an alleyway. Penrose is a liar.
  75. The universal history of mankind will obey the following motto: "A thing of beauty is a joy to burn".
  76. Wainwright's first law of fluvial dynamics: "Go pipe yourself."
  77. Aesthetics is as useful as a tank in an airborne landing: it makes more of an impact if it is treated as pure dead weight.
  78. Aesthetics treats things with a reverence I only allow for the tweezers I pluck the hair of my balls with.
  79. Wainwright's second law of fluvial dynamics: "Go pipe yourself again."
  80. The youth of today has no ambition. Why else would you pass up your death on a foreign field in favor of one in your backyard?
  81. It takes more balls to drive through a red light or onto a roundabout without looking than manning an anti-whaling ship. Ultimately, the Japanese, or worse, the Norwegians will come to your rescue anyway.
  82. The Havisocks can teach us one thing: no matter how hard you try, it still sounds like shit.
  83. The whaling operation is as impressive a spectacle as the drag-net is banal. Trawler-men are the Social Democrats of the high seas. The scale of their hidden crimes is a structural necessity of their system.
  84. The young are like a pint glass full of ice. They often need to be filled with alcohol before they are useful.
  85. Pre-schooling and decimation; the secret is drawing lots.
  86. Decimation is not a single game: the fun is in finding out you were not the tenth man the first time around, but soon you will be. There is always another round.
  87. People who avoid the subject of the modern hit parade around me are always surprised to hear of my love for Britney Spears. Wide hips and loose morals are the two most coquettish qualities I can imagine.
  88. Socialism and democracy are to be feared, but Social-Democrats are a joke.
  89. The Society exists in the space defined by subtracting the actual from the possible, and as such operates purely within the death drive.
  90. Only the blocked path is of interest.
  91. Am I a bitter man? Yes. Does that make me incorrect?.. I'm afraid the answer is no.
  92. These reviewers call me vicious and reactive. What beautiful sobriquets they tease me with.
  93. Preening cocks everywhere. It has become unbearable to me.
  94. 93 Should actually be two seperate aphorisms which were over hastily combined. Refer to them as 93-A and 93-B henceforth.
  95. These Last Men everywhere: collectors without collections.
  96. Grief is the rule, not the exception.
  97. The loins are blind.
  98. 'Consent can be manufactured' is as banal as it is true.
  99. The exotic hardwood and the chainsaw: they go together like the metaphor and its true meaning
  100. No cannon can reach far enough, no ointment more than skin deep, no strip mine to the molten core. I despise the cowardice, the lack of depth, the stubbly shave.
  101. Quo vadis? Where to go next? Where to discover the unknown mammal, the virgin forest, the friendly native? I say, do away with them like the bed bug, the Yorkshire industrialist, the pest nestling in the back of my garden. Or add them to a classification table. Either way, they’ll soon be extinct
  102. Groceries – the more air miles, the tastier.
  103. The swollen gut is the sign of the gourmand, or the festering intestinal virus. I accept the latter as a fact of life, whilst exterminating the former – i.e. the Frenchman.
  104. Communities have their fools, academia senile staff.
  105. A sense of community is as regrettable as it is avoidable: no matter how much folk dancing, village fetes and charity, all this feigned altruism is the fluff around the core of undiluted self-preservation.
  106. The village Silver Band is the expression of a paradoxical bourgeois feudalism: the bourgeois cannot withstand the temptation of lording it over the peasants in some way or other, whilst clinging on to their own worthless social position.
  107. No matter how many tents one erects on the village green, no matter how many smiling children one entertains, no matter how much tea is served, there is no way it can repress the villagers’ loss of colonial privilege.
  108. In the idyll lies the suppressed wish for massacre.
  109. The pretended naiveté of the middle classes with their porcelains, cheap landscapes and cuckoo clocks at antique valuations is as fake as the appraisers' 'expertise'; the former’s mild form of exhibitionism goes hand in glove with the latter’s encouragement of a shared fetishism for the worthless knick-knack.
  110. A gameshow is infinitely more merciful than life: they only show you what you could have won at the end.
  111. Mired in pathos and lashing out at antique collectors... I need to get back into the thick of things.
  112. The number of overpasses built in a swamp divided by the number of 'expired' workers is a mathematical sign of the sublime: hail to 'zero'.
  113. Material = Weight.
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  115. Make an interesting prediction, or go home. 
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