FANDOM


A Condemnation Of Robin Hoods Bay


I Like Trends

I have never, for example, only traced the path of a curve on a line graph only half way. I follow it to the end with every glance. I feel this adequately qualifies the society to incontestably claim: observe

(graph here) NB - this graph was removed due to my full trouser. The Intern

As you will be pleased to note, this letter becomes exponentially more cogent as you read along (we suggest left to right). I stress that you can hardly contain yourself upon hearing this news.


Topic OneEdit

Why open so many additional bookshops when current stock is so poor? Check you walls. Do you see the coveted bronze, silver or diamond stars of the Tavistocks adoring them with praise? Cur, you do not. No doubt you tell yourself the precious documents are merely lost in the post/subject to residual printing errors(1)/mishappened.

Although this may seem ontologically problematic, brace yourself for the non-arrival of such a document. The society is displeased with your wares, the peddling of, and their concomitance. Our reviewers data, re you, perturbs us in all ratings categories, but most damningly in 'overall'.

Topic TwoEdit

To my knowledge the only cognitive synchronicities in which ice cream vans and ponceing occurred exist in the heads of that guy from suede and your town planner. Let it be a matter of public record that the society was outwardly offended by both advances and propositions, and portrayed a façade of perfect propriety when, so surely as clocks, darling were we called. Only two members found the situation to be slightly arousing. The remaining member promptly entered the ocean, thereby ensuring that all seemed seemly. As keen numberplate collectors, we would appreciate being forwarded the registrations of foresaid planner and his next of kin.


Topic Three Edit

(spatio-geographic concerns)

If I were piddling about on a rainy Tuesday in November I would not consider it to be so embarrassing for you that the tide was in at 5 o'clock dammit man, it was a bold Thursday before Easter (Easter was this year). Have some self control and sort things out in the future. We would expect and improvement in this disgusting sleight. Imagine if I were a Portuguese! What stories I should tell upon going home(2).

A change is as good as a rest and the rest of us think you should change. Even the most cursory (rudimentary at least) of glances at your topography would have led to the conclusion that something is amiss - something doesn't 'sit well' you know. A foul beast is claiming victims amongst your townsfolk. Naturally the Tavistocks collided up the incline as effortlessly as stepping over a Lego brick (6 connectors aligned 2x3) Unfortunately the townsfolk (we isolated the idiots concerned by sensing their odor) were largely left incapacitated upon taking a single pace. I would not run a business by starving men's minds of oxygen. Why should you run a polis along the same lines. Weeping in the streets at such ineptitude, the Tavistocks were sickened to see dull, dusty door knobs, as putrid as rusty cheese, not to mention overtly round cats. Why not just admit defeat and pack up to Germany's beautiful Luneburg Heath?


Ta da! we are finished now,

The Tavistocks


  1. Although this letter is written in the spirit of a cold, cruel chiding (much like mother would resort to when I failed to return from school with a satchel full of damson berries) we truly are suffering a problem with our printer being 'off-line'. Do you think we should try and rectify this by pressing the 'on-line' button? Please write back, ta, the Tavistocks.
  2. Again, a purely hypothetical piece of rhetoric, but we would be very interested to read your views on this subject.