On a recent visit to the Highlands a delegation of the society were redirected to a petrol station in one of the less inviting suburbs of Aberdeen, where a foreign looking personage proffered a cup of what he, in his garbled dialect, described as toast. Unsure as to what to do, a swift call was placed to The Wine Waiter, whose knowledge of all things unpleasant is widely renowned. The buffoon was, however, in an unpleasant state, and entirely unable to enlighten the delegation as to the nature of the thick syrup in the dingy receptacle. The delegation was therefore forced to consult the nearest dictionary for a suitable definition. It stated the following:
Toast: A common beverage on the Isle of Iona off the West Coast of the Isle of Mull, off the west coast of Scotland. Commonly mixed with fermented ewes' milk it provides the indigenous population with a volatile and highly corrosive hallucinogenic substance which is most commonly associated with the ceremony of Cailleach at the Wednesday festival of Midtvockh. The narcotic is believed to induce a state of euphoria and sexual arousal in its subject which often leads to what would in civilised society be described as feeling up turnips (or indeed any other livestock).
Professor Wainwright, on the consumption and arguably under the influence of, toast: "...it was as if the heavens had opened up and begun spraying parsnips everywhere; both within and without. Its taste and shape were clearly dominant in all things. The local peoples of Iona were in fervent discussion regarding the fate of a lunchbox, believed to contain the sole of Achilles, whilst the children were running around on a grassy mesa, wildly fornicating and pummeling each other with grasshoppers. I heard the bleating of a goat nearby and proceeded to investigate..."